My evil little stealth bomber!!

I would hate to burst anyones little bubble who thinks just because your kids get older they will stop giving you those moments that just make you wish a giant hole will open up and swallow you into it. 

Take special note - THEY DON'T!! They just become more precise in their tactical moves.

Since the Koukettes started walking and talking they have at certain times done things that have either make me chringe or have made my whole body a bright shade of violet.  It is a moment only a Mum can relate to when your four year old screams at the top of their lungs in the middle of Coles "Mum I need a Poo!!  I SAID I NEED A POOO!". 

Or in the middle of a bank having a 6 year old ask "Mum why were you and Dad wrestling again in your bed today?" while a 70+ year old woman is looking at you with that smirk on their face!  You know the one, the one when they look at your children with such a sorrowful look as if to say "Oh sweet child what sort of sordid house do you live in?"

Yesterday as I was trying my hardest to hide on the toilet, I was disturbed by Junior Koukette yelling from the front door "Mum there is someone at the door for you"  I sitting on my throne think to myself "Of course there is someone at the door - why wouldn't there be someone at the door.  Some natural disaster of catastrophic proportions always happens as soon as I assume position on my throne!"

I decided to ignore Junior Koukette - wrong move!!  She knew she had me, she knew I would be concentrating hard, pants around my ankles, trying to get 5 minutes of peace and like a stealth bomber she launched! 

"MUMMMM HURRY UP ON THE TOILET THERE ARE MEN AT THE DOOR WAITING FOR YOU!!!"  in a voice so not just the men at the door would hear but the whole street would know Lady Koukou is sitting on her throne.

"Men at the door?' Well now my mind was wandering, could it be Edward Cullen and his band of vampires here to finally collect me and make me forever immortal?  No stupid woman that stuff only happens next door!  Now what do I do?  Pull up my pants, go out there grab her by the ear and drag her into her room for disturbing my 5 minutes peace all while smiling politely at the men at my door?  Or sit there - oh to be spoilt for choices!!

So what do I do - decide to ignore her again.  You would think all those times in the Bank or Coles would of come back to remind me that you cannot ignore a Koukette on a mission!  But I continue to sit in the bleak hope something I might of taught her over the years would have sunk in - when Mum is on the toilet please leave her alone!!

But no -  "MUMMMMM HURRRRY UPPPPP"

My quiet little world had now been shattered "OMG I am on the God Dam fricken toilet!!!"  I yelled back.  Feeling proud of my assertive parenting I continued to sit quietly on my throne and enjoy my peace.

Silence at the front the door! 

I heard her quiet little Ninja feet sneaking back down the hallway.  I finished my not so peaceful moment, walked out of the bedroom to be greeted by a man's voice  "Excuse me Madam we are from the local Church of Latter Day Saints and are holding a parental bonding session aimed specifically at teaching Parents the skills to communicate to their Teenagers, perhaps you might be interested in attending?"

"No I don't think I need that - I have a great open form of communication with my daughters" I said.

"Yes we heard" he said to me.

"Then you would also agree that I am fine.  Please don't come to my door again"  I closed the door and stormed down the hallway to find my little stealth bomber, who looked at me, smiled and said  "Next time don't ignore me Mum"

So if you are the Mother of young children who have also given you some of those 'special' moments along the way.......look forward, it does not get better, they just become so much better at it!

Lady Koukou x

OMG World Breaking News!!!! Stop the fucking Press!!!!

Rest easy those with money way to much money in Shares - America has not defaulted on its debts and sending the world economy completely bankrupt!  According to Lord Koukou I am doing that from the comforts of my couch.

Sorry to disappoint but the lead story on the morning news here in Melbourne was not that Julia Gillard had bowed to public demand and finally legalised Gay Marriage - sit back in your box Katter and readjust that comb over!!

And nope it was not announced that The King is really alive and living in Barbados!  Sorry Dad......

Far more importantly than all of the above was the lead off story that............brace yourselves people the world will never be the same again!!

Beyonce is pregnant!! 

Yep you heard me correctly!!  Who needs a lead story on World Peace efforts in Libya, the truth about Carbon Tax, effects on London after all the riots - that is all meaningless garbage compared to this ground breaking, historic piece of journalism.

Thanks Channel 9 I can now go about my days work so much more content knowing Beyonce is pregnant - Tossers!!

When did we allow life to get so dam serious?

As much as I promised myself I would attempt to keep my blog light hearted and create as much humour as my little old mind would allow there are certain issues that attract my attention. 

Qantas held a competition for two lucky Wallaby fans to attend Saturday nights Bledisloe Cup on the condition they dressed up as their favourite player Radike Samo.  Harmless Fun right?  Great effort I thought!  Boy was I so wrong! 

It seems this sparked a public twitter outcry when Qantas tweeted:-  "Looks like our Twitter winners of the Bledisloe Cup tix lived up to their promise! Good work," - seems all the do-gooders in society took offence to this marketing stunt by Qantas and labelled it Racist.  Qantas bowing to public pressure removed the Tweet and issued a public apology.

Seems the only person who did not have an issue with this was Radike Samo.  Who said "I didn't have an issue with it at all ... I don't know why anyone's getting worked up, that sort of reaction is just silly."

Relax People's, take a chill pill society do gooders!  Media hype as usual has carried on with the story and suddenly again Political Correctness has gone mad!!  They are not carrying racist slogans, they are not carrying signs that say racist remarks, they are having fun!  Innocent fun!  Remember FUN world?  Look at things in context and stop being so bloody sterile!!

So I have to ask - When did we allow life to get so dam serious?

 

Lady Koukou x

Dear God, Yahweh, Allah, Krishna and anyone else who wants to listen!

My Junior Koukette has an assignment due for school next week and being the great caring mother I am (truth be known I couldn't be shagged cleaning the skiddy's off the toilet) have been helping her.  The question is "If you got to ask God 10 questions what would they be?", my instant thought was "Oh fuck so we can only ask him 10?"   Even thought my parents tried their hardest to raise and educate me like a good little Catholic girl sometimes I struggle with this whole Relgious thing,  - the last time we went to church was 2 years ago,as you can see I have been blessed with the odd Potty Mouth and sometimes my halo needs serious readjusting on the nights I try to party like an 18 year old again.

Nonetheless I helped Junior Koukette with her questions whilst I was thinking of how my assignment would have gone:-


Dear God, Yahweh, Allah, Krishna or anyone else who feels like listening,

It’s been a while since I have spoken to you, so I guess that's why you have chosen to ignore my requests lately!!  I have had some questions on my mind and am wondering if you can clear them up when you are not off performing miracles or trying to convince Tim that red is really not the best hair colour for Julia!

Anyway here I go:-

1.       Why is my left breast larger than my right breast? But my right foot is larger than my left foot?  Is it just because you made me special that way?

2.       WTF has happened to Shane Warne?  Is he being punished for crimes in a previous life?

3.       Why didn't you put me in the same line as Miranda Kerr when you were handing out bodies?  I know the multitude of chocolate & lack of exercise on my behalf has not helped so you are not entirely to blame – but natural genes would of been helpful?

4.       Why haven’t I won 1^st division in Tattslotto yet?  I have been asking for a LONG time and I really thought you might of granted that wish by now

5.       If you could remind me with perhaps a quick lightning strike up my ass every time I use the phrase “I don’t care what other kids are allowed to do” or “wait til your father gets home” – I promised myself I would try not to sound like my mother when I become a parent and I am failing!!

6.       Please give the inventor of pre-mixed alcohol drinks like Bacardi Breezers a bonus 10 years?  They make me life so much easier, especially when I am using them as a chaser to wine!

7.       Can you please tell me why my Grade 4 Teacher Sister Catherine had a constant snot dribble hanging off the end of her nose? I have always wondered the answer to that one

8.       I am still waiting for messagesforgod.com.au – not sure if you have noticed but your popularity really sucks right now with Gen Y!  Contact the people at Apple I am sure they could organise an App with a direct link to the Big House

9.       Not sure if you are aware but our current Prime Minister stabbed our old Prime Minister in the back and lied on National Television that he had her total support – just thought I would point that one out in case you had missed it.  Does that mean she goes to visit the man with the Pitchfork? 

10.   PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Can St.Kilda win a premiership before my time on this earth is over?  The wait alone will kill me before you decide my time is up!  Also I have noted Brendan Fevola has been kicking a lot of goals lately – please do not punish me for things I have done over the year and send him to St Kilda!!  Just quietly I don’t think it would be in anyone’s best interests for Fevola and Milney to have too much time together if you know what I mean J

11.   There are a lot of people down here on earth who have too much money, too much power and are way to selfish!  Fucking tight asses (ooooops sorry about that!) you might want to do something about that.  No rush but I wouldn’t leave it to long it I were you, the beasts are getting restless and will start printing more money!!

I think that is pretty much it for one week but thanks for listening can’t wait for your reply - A hand written letter would be nice & if you could manage Javier Bardem to drop it off well that would confirm for me once and for all you are real.  Be back soon with some more questions xx

This week I am grateful for Getting Lost

http://maxabellaloves.blogspot.com/2011/08/this-week-im-grateful-for-play-dates.html

My Bestie and I set off this week to find this great little gift shop we had heard about high in the hills in the Dandenong Ranges.  Unfortunately we took the wrong turn somewhere along the way because we were to busy gas bagging and not paying enough attention to Molly the Navgirl.

After taking to many wrong turns we ended up at Lysterfield Lake on a beautiful near Spring Day.  Not wanting to drive anymore we just sat by the Lake for 2 hours and laughed, chatted and layed together in the Sun.  No kids, no husbands, no noise and just our company.

So this week I am ever so grateful for getting lost and rediscovering why she is my bestie.

Positions for Safe Sex!

Those that know me well will know I struggle not to comment on most things!  I tend to belly ache and protest for most things I can't really make a difference on.  I promised myself I would try not to discuss two things on my blog - Religion & Politics - two great social dividers.

So whilst I am trying hard not to do a post on Carbon Tax, Legalising Gay Marriage or the effects of the Gillard Government I will leave you with a hilarious video by Steven Fry who is joined by some friends to demonstrate safe sex positions!

Afterall Sex and Politics have some things in common,

Lady Koukou x

Three Little Words - R U OK?

I would like you all to meet Lori today and her story.  Lori is a stay at home, to two little cherubs much like myself really.  One afternoon Lori's husband come home from work and committed suicide, in that instant Lori's world would change forever.  Her blog is both heartbreaking and fascinating as Lori tackles life after the death of her husband.  Her strength and honesty is enlightening and I myself wish her a lifetime of health, love and eventual happiness.

My mother in law has suffered chronic depression most of her adult life so this has a special meaning to myself and one I will be participating in.  Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK? Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.

On that day it would be great if everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, asked family, friends and colleagues: "Are you OK?".

This is the link to Lori's blog for any and all other information:-

http://www.rrsahm.com/2011/08/ruok-part-two.html

And remember on September 15th to ask someone R U OK? - three simple words that could mean the world to one person.

Lady Koukou x

Dear Mr Volvo driver.....

* Warning to readers - due to the frustration of this subject please excuse all language contained with-in *

So I have to ask - is it a requirement of all Volvo Drivers that when they purchase their vehicles they also receive a frontal labotomy?  Or am I the only person on the face of the planet that has frustration with a capital F everytime I seem to get behind a Volvo Driver?

The reason I ask this question is because as I was driving yesterday to drop off Senior Koukette at one pool & manage to get myself across to the other pool to dump Junior Koukette we get behind a Volvo Driver.  Now I do not have lots of time in between drop-offs & my routine is like a well oiled machine....obviously unlike the life of a bloody Volvo driver!!  As my frustration was reaching fever point I realised that every Volvo driver I seem to get behind is the same, there are road rules for Volvo drivers then there are the road rules for everyone else.

You know the ones....you stop at the traffic lights, they turn green and for everyone else that means GO!!  Who fricken knows what green means to a Volvo driver because it does not mean GO.  It seems to mean I will sit here for as long as I like day dreaming, while the crazy, psychopathic woman behind me continues to go red in the face, punching her steering wheel and abusing me.  I know you can see me in your rear vision mirror and yet you continue to sit there like you are the only one on the God Dam road!!

So I have to ask you Volvo Drivers :-

• Why does the speed sign say 80 for everyone else but in your head it says 40?
• Why do you insist on putting a manky old hat on the back window of your car?
• Why does the fucking green light not mean green to you, and then you remember to move when it is on Amber?
• Why does everyone else have to indicate but you think you above that and like to keep all other drivers guessing which way you are turning

I think all car manufacturers should install a "Volvo Driver Alert Button".  Instead of my horn just tooting it allows my car to yell out inbuilt profanities reserved only for Volvo Drivers.

Like:-

• If you don't move your car I will ram that manky old hat up your ass
• THE LIGHT IS GREEN - MMMMMOOOOOVVVE!!
• For fuck sake are you fricken blind?
• The Speed limit it 80 not 40!!
• Obnoxious, selfish Driver in front - MMMMMOOOOVVVVE
• Oh feel free to take your time I have all fucking day!

Now I am not condoning road rage of any kind.  But the next time I get behind a Volvo Driver I am going to sit there, hand ready on my horn and hope to God it does more than just toot!

"Does anyone else find Volvo Drivers seem to think they have Road Rules reserved just for them?"

Lady Koukou x

Keep Calm & Carry On!

My name is Lady Koukou (aka -Amanda), wife to Lord Koukou (aka - Sam) and Mum  to (for privacy and total embarressment reasons they wish to be unnamed) two little Koukette's, they are really delightful children (ok I am lying, but I have tried hard!).  Two girls aged 14 and 12, there present ages should really say it all, they are quite painful at times but copius amounts of wine seem to make them quite tolerable.

I have come to realise that life with teenagers is quite lonely really! I think I now know why facebook was invented and social media has boomed over the last decade!  It is for all of us fellow Mum's of teenagers (girls in particular I am told) to unite and have someone to talk to and something to do at night fall.  I mean there is only so much Masterchef we can watch and who wants to learn how to renovate a house or build a deck - thats what I bloody got married for so I had someone to do it!  And that was a monumental dissappointment all in itself because Lord Koukou really sucks at the building thing and cannot use to drill to save himself.  Yes I have failed to train my manchild well over our years of marriage - he is as useless with the vacuum as he is with a hammer, oh why do I constantly try!

Speaking of Lord Koukou he brought me home a present yesterday!  Imagine my surprise, I mean he manages to or conveniently forgets most birthday's relying on the Koukettes to bring me home something really crappy from school.  Don't get me wrong I do love and cherish their artwork they used to make me in Primary School but it hardly compares to a box from Tiffany's now does it!! 

This is what he bought me:

As Lord Koukou handed me my present with such a proud look on his face, Junior Koukette was lurking.  I looked at the picture and said "are you trying to give me a message buying me this?'  Junior Koukette pipes up and says 'because you have Anger Problems thats why!  Now you can look at this sign and keep calm!"  Well I did see red now and replied with "Oh I'm sorry did someone mention anger problems?  What because I have to scream until I am purple in the face and my head is about to explode for someone to listen to me, or because you animals leave your shit all over Koukou Palace for me to pick up, or perhaps it might even be because I am sick of going into your infested things you call a bedroom with a gas mask on my face because the smell in there makes me want to vomit and I haven't updated my tetnus shot recently- oh but thats right, I am the one with Issues!"

Junior Koukette looked at her father and said 'she really needs the sign Dad, hang it in the kitchen'

So now I am sitting here looking at my new sign, hanging proudly in the kitchen, and as much as I want to throw darts at it, it has made me smile.  Because even though I spend most days screaming and getting frustrated at someone in Koukou Palace I could probably learn sometimes to take another sip of my wine, keep calm and carry on, before I really pop a blood vessel.

"Is there something you tell yourself so you are able to keep calm and carry on?"

Lady Koukou x