Dear God, Yahweh, Allah, Krishna and anyone else who wants to listen!

My Junior Koukette has an assignment due for school next week and being the great caring mother I am (truth be known I couldn't be shagged cleaning the skiddy's off the toilet) have been helping her.  The question is "If you got to ask God 10 questions what would they be?", my instant thought was "Oh fuck so we can only ask him 10?"   Even thought my parents tried their hardest to raise and educate me like a good little Catholic girl sometimes I struggle with this whole Relgious thing,  - the last time we went to church was 2 years ago,as you can see I have been blessed with the odd Potty Mouth and sometimes my halo needs serious readjusting on the nights I try to party like an 18 year old again.

Nonetheless I helped Junior Koukette with her questions whilst I was thinking of how my assignment would have gone:-


Dear God, Yahweh, Allah, Krishna or anyone else who feels like listening,

It’s been a while since I have spoken to you, so I guess that's why you have chosen to ignore my requests lately!!  I have had some questions on my mind and am wondering if you can clear them up when you are not off performing miracles or trying to convince Tim that red is really not the best hair colour for Julia!

Anyway here I go:-

1.       Why is my left breast larger than my right breast? But my right foot is larger than my left foot?  Is it just because you made me special that way?

2.       WTF has happened to Shane Warne?  Is he being punished for crimes in a previous life?

3.       Why didn't you put me in the same line as Miranda Kerr when you were handing out bodies?  I know the multitude of chocolate & lack of exercise on my behalf has not helped so you are not entirely to blame – but natural genes would of been helpful?

4.       Why haven’t I won 1^st division in Tattslotto yet?  I have been asking for a LONG time and I really thought you might of granted that wish by now

5.       If you could remind me with perhaps a quick lightning strike up my ass every time I use the phrase “I don’t care what other kids are allowed to do” or “wait til your father gets home” – I promised myself I would try not to sound like my mother when I become a parent and I am failing!!

6.       Please give the inventor of pre-mixed alcohol drinks like Bacardi Breezers a bonus 10 years?  They make me life so much easier, especially when I am using them as a chaser to wine!

7.       Can you please tell me why my Grade 4 Teacher Sister Catherine had a constant snot dribble hanging off the end of her nose? I have always wondered the answer to that one

8.       I am still waiting for messagesforgod.com.au – not sure if you have noticed but your popularity really sucks right now with Gen Y!  Contact the people at Apple I am sure they could organise an App with a direct link to the Big House

9.       Not sure if you are aware but our current Prime Minister stabbed our old Prime Minister in the back and lied on National Television that he had her total support – just thought I would point that one out in case you had missed it.  Does that mean she goes to visit the man with the Pitchfork? 

10.   PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Can St.Kilda win a premiership before my time on this earth is over?  The wait alone will kill me before you decide my time is up!  Also I have noted Brendan Fevola has been kicking a lot of goals lately – please do not punish me for things I have done over the year and send him to St Kilda!!  Just quietly I don’t think it would be in anyone’s best interests for Fevola and Milney to have too much time together if you know what I mean J

11.   There are a lot of people down here on earth who have too much money, too much power and are way to selfish!  Fucking tight asses (ooooops sorry about that!) you might want to do something about that.  No rush but I wouldn’t leave it to long it I were you, the beasts are getting restless and will start printing more money!!

I think that is pretty much it for one week but thanks for listening can’t wait for your reply - A hand written letter would be nice & if you could manage Javier Bardem to drop it off well that would confirm for me once and for all you are real.  Be back soon with some more questions xx