No 'Little Johnny' you cannot have a pack of Tim Tams!!

After declaring I had lost my virginity to Aldi I had to defect back over to the dark side this morning and go into Coles.

Standing at the Deli waiting like the rest of the sheep, there was a Young Mum there with a wee little one sound asleep in the pram and a toddler.  The wait was a long one, the 'puffer vest' clan clashed with the bus from the Retirement Home, so the Deli was three deep.

Little Johnny was harping on about wanting the pack of Tim Tams he saw, Mum was saying 'no not today you had enough at Nan's'.  Obviously not one to back down from a fight Little Johnny become more insistent with his demands which was met with a blank stare from Mum.  Other toddlers would of been proud with what was about to happen and 'Little Johnny' proceeded with the Tantrum from hell closely resembling devil child reincarnate.  If they ever do a re-make of Poltergeist 'Little Johnny' should audition I was waiting for his mouth to froth and his head to start spinning.  

Whilst giving his best Pavarotti impersonation the 'puffer vest' and 'blue rinse' clans were flashing their evil eyes at the young mother who was trying her best to tame her wild beastly boy.  I could not help but think 'had all the Botox and Rollers made these women completely forget life with a toddler in a Supermarket that just beckons them at every turn?'  Sure I accept the human mind is designed to block out horrific events, but can't people try to remember what it was like?  

We all know most toddlers need to be approached as you would a mad mad wired with explosives.  The method usually involves a combination of threats, entreaties and bribery.  It is really much like the US Policy in Pakistan - completely ineffective.  Bribery become the Young Mum's method of choice and tried a peace offering - "Oh look here is your Transformer.  He wants to play with you."

This ploy, of course, was met with brief silence and Little Johnny forgot his tantrum while considering his love for his Transformer.  The silence was brief, this little ninja new his stuff and his new eruption was lethal!

"I WANT TIM TAMS NOW!!!"     

Everyone could now comprehend what bought on this tantrum, 'Little Johnny' wanted to stuff his cute little face with Tim Tams around the Supermarket while Mum shopped.  In true three year old style he threw himself face-forward on the ground and was quickly turning blue.   Life must of seemed so unfair in Johnny's world, first his Mum told him no to the treats and secondly Mum was ordering Ham's and Salami's instead of paying him attention - such an unjust world!  

The 'puffer vest' clan were staring at the crime scene, the head shaking was catching, the rolling of the eyes simultaneous and the tut-tutting rising like a mist over the Deli.  There really is no other place as lonely as being that parent with a toddler in complete meltdown, it feels like the whole world is condemning you and everyone has an opinion.

From the looks on the 'puffer vest' clan their children must have been fucking perfect.  Their houses must resemble a scene from the 'Sound of Music',  children lined up in order of height, hair combed, perfect manners, awaiting the chance to chant in unison "Welcome home Papa" before disappearing to do homework.  Yes this description also resembles my house.........and then pigs fly across the room and Gillard wins the next election!

As the young Mum continued to ignore 'Little Johnny' the whispers begun.  See at this point the 'puffer vest' and 'blue rinse' clans all agreed on one thing, that bad parenting was taking place and they each would of had a different idea on how this situation should of been handled.  Some would of been mumbling 'you shouldn't bring toddlers to a Supermarket', others would of been saying 'why doesn't she just smack the child?' while others would of been saying 'she only threatened to smack him or take his Transformer off him.......that's the problem!'.  Everyone is an expert at the scene of a tantrum.

Yet as I stood there I could not help but wonder what they would of been saying to each other if 'Little Johnny' had gotten his own way and was standing there with a pack of Tim Tams shoving them down his throat one after the other.  "Oh he is on the path of obesity"..........."What kind of mother gives her child a whole pack of Tim Tams?"..........."some parents will let their children do anything they want".........."this new age parenting style is doomed".

You just can't please everyone all the time.

The Mum soon finished at the Deli, looked at "Little Johnny" and said 'have you finished your performance yet?  I am leaving here now, if you want come with me, if not stay here til you are finished.  Before you ask "NO" you are not having Tim Tams'

Bravo to the Mum for not giving into a tantrum and stares of the 'puffer vest' and 'blue rinse' clans!!  Better luck next time 'Little Johnny'

A morning with Pseudo-Suri

It was an exhausting time in New York for Fashion Week......but that didn't stop me from collecting all the gossip from the week that was.

According to the Daily Mail Madonna's four children spend time with their superstar mum in 15 minutes pre-scheduled sessions.  "The children are said to have appointments made to see their mother, who will help with homework, or sing, or even make food with them - but only if it has been planned in advance"

First of all I think it is ridiculous when parents want to spend every waking hour with their children.  And second of all when your Mothers new boyfriend is only 24 and she is 53 then 15 minutes of embarrassing moments is more than enough for one day.

Shouldn't someone be addressing the real problem here - Why poor Mercy thinks dressing as a ladybug and wearing a helmet is suitable beach attire? And here I was thinking Shiloh is the only one screaming out for attention in a Rainbow family.

Oh there are so many things that disturb me about this picture.......to begin Julia Roberts is screaming Trailer Trash Chic.  From the canvas slip-ons, jeans with holes and the missing button on her husbands shirt........she is clearly a lost cause!

In recent times Julia has moved her family to New Mexico, my sources tell me to a pre-Columbian pueblo compound.  This search of a 'simple life' is having drastic effects on her daughter.

When your first name is Hazel and your last name is Moder don't you think Julia has already given her daughter enough challenges.  I used to have a mutual respect for Julia, but taking your daughter out  in public wearing shorts, cotton, velcro and wayward hair is is just nasty!

Fun fact - My name means "Princess" in Hebrew, clearly Hazel and I have been given different opportunities.

Speaking of Trailer Park Chic here is poor Violet and Mrs Afleck.  Tom tells me Mr Afleck has been struggling of late in the box office and the cracks are beginning to show!

Where is the logic Mrs Afleck?  You can hire a private jet but cannot afford decent pants or I don't know..............maybe a melt to hold up those ghastly jeans?

I have to admire and appreciate Violet's commitment to all that purple!  Being a fellow worldly traveller I understand the importance of dressing comfortably.  But lets not kid ourselves here, clearly Violet has a lot to learn.......there is expectation in fashion choices when your father owns a Private Jet!

Oh it gets so tiresome being perfect sometimes!

In baby news this week January Jones welcomed her first child on September 13, a boy Xander Dane Jones.  Her people told my people 'that January is looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mum'.  I am looking forward to the first release of Xander's baby pictures so the inevitable speculation and rumors about who the baby's father can really begin!

Look to a certain extent, paternity rumors can be a great publicity stunt.  It does add a hint of mystery and intrigue to an otherwise textbook pregnancy.  You may recall that Katie's pregnancy with me was filled with rumors, but now no-one disputes that Tom is regrettably, my father.

My people informed me this week that Kris Kardashian is an avid reader of my Sunday Posts so I am sure we will be seeing some Paternity questions surrounding a certain Kim soon in the press given all the publicity it attracts.

Although I do feel that all baby matters should be taken off the table for Kim until someone can teach her that Lois is not for carrying a child in.  Poor Mason thrown into the world of reality Trash television with that over competitive family family he belongs to.

There is no amount of therapy that could counteract years of living in the Kardashian family!

Must be off time to oversee Katie's couture selection for the upcoming Emmy's and God knows how long and exhausting that process is going to be!!

Now someone hand me my tiara......

PS xx

I am an Aldi virgin no more!!

Don't you just love to wander up and down the aisles of Coles and Safeway?  In an attempt to create a relaxed atmosphere that will entice you to spend over your budget, a friendly security guard hands you a basket at the door while Classic 80's tunes play in store.  You are treated to small dreamy moments when you look in the trolley filled with products in pretty packaging.  Outstanding customer service greets you when you arrive at the cash registers and a delightful, polite young check out person always remembers to ask how your day is going with a smile and a genuine level of interest.  Knowing how time poor Mum's can be the good people at Coles have installed "DIY" registers,  where a middle aged lady with a monotone voice will guide you through the experience. 

Doesn't it make you wonder why I would leave all that blissful shopping behind for the likes of Aldi?  


Well for one we all know I am completely full of shit with the description above and secondly Lord Koukou is a natural born worrier.  Lately our shopping bill is slowly starting to outstrip our mortgage and has resulted in a lot of hallway pacing.   Lord Koukou's other weakness is that he is Greek, and anytime we cannot pay 'cash' he starts having anxiety attacks when I mention he might need to shake those cobwebs off his $2 shop wallet.  Being the ever thoughtful, caring wife I thought I can do something about this and said 'yes your right honey I will lower our bill so you don't have to worry' - I would never tell him I was really thinking 'fuck if I don't start reducing our grocery costs he will bring up the B for budgeting word again and then suggest I should think about my own home hair colours again' that is not happening!!


I had a discussion with my ultra snobby friend Mrs H about Aldi at coffee the other morning.  She said she would never allow her Volvo 4WD to be even seen in an Aldi carpark for fear she will be labelled a bogan (was I about to become Mayor of Boganville?) See she is of the private school 'puffer vest', Nike runner, Skins tights, blonde hair in a perfect pony tail variety. You must know the type -  they are usually the ones with screaming kids at cafe's because for some fucking unknown reason they think strapping their toddlers into a high chair with a baby-chino in front of them is entertaining.  


Got the image?........right lets move on.


One of my other friends is a converted Aldi shopper and said she has not looked at the majors since trying.  Her advice in Mrs W's unique style 'you can't just jump into a full shop at Aldi, you need to do it slowly and ease yourself into it, kind of like raising a child.  No one asks you to deal with a hormonal, pimple faced 14 year old before you get the chance to deal with sleep deprivation, ripped nipples and a vagina full of stitches do they'.  I have no idea how this relates to grocery shopping but god I love you Mrs Warren for the unique comparisons you always give me on every topic imaginable. 


Unlike Mrs H I really don't care if I my Hyundai is seen in the carpark.  So yesterday in my true Bogan style hit Aldi to do my weeks shopping.


Prancing through the front door thinking of all the items I could buy off my Ikea wish list with the packet I was about to save - I stopped and looked around.  The first thing to hit me is the size.  Its TINY!! In fact I counted 6 aisles - WTF Mrs Warren has set me up and is probably at home pissing herself laughing with a Coles brought Tim Tam in her hand thinking of me here.  


Now this is where it got slightly interesting - let me explain.  Everything at Aldi, except probably the Milo, Vegemite and Nutrigrain, will be a close clone of what you would buy at Coles or Woolworths.  TV Snacks are called Wacko's, Huggies Nappies are called Mamias and Red Rock Deli Chips are called Blackstone.  The main difference is the amount of variety - at Aldi there is one choice compared to the dozen varieties of the same thing at Coles or Safeway.  If you like 7 different brands of Muesli Bars to choose from you will be disappointed.


Because of lack of variety it was a really quick shop!   With all my new products in my trolley off to the cash registers I went.  Unless you have been a participant in the Aldi Checkout Olympics you have seriously not experienced life.  I learnt yesterday you have to be sharp, on your toes and fully prepared!  I also learnt yesterday that the Aldi check-out boy is not patient and you do not want to piss him off, or he will sigh, take a deep breath and move into 2nd gear.   You, the customer paying for his wage,  will really need to be ready to fling that shit double pace into your trolley.  


The reason Aldi can keep prices low is because you buy your own bags and then bag it yourself.  You will soon realise the Aldi checkout operator waits for no man.  From the moment your trolley is in position it is game on and you had better be ready!  As an Aldi virgin I made the mistake of trying to pack my bags as he scanned - WRONG move!  This guy was going for Gold, I was half expecting someone to blow a whistle and yell "GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! to the chubby operator on number 3".  It was his death stare and HUGE sigh that made me realise trying to pack as he was hurling cans at me was NOT going on.  So as any other shopper would do in my position I just started throwing the stuff in my trolley and sweating like a pig.


Here are my top tips for Aldi shopping:-

• It will save you money and if you are really lucky you can also pick up an Ab King Pro or Cubby House for the kids from the middle aisle
• be prepared for lack of choice, but if you have the occasional whinging bitch of a husband who will threaten you with having to colour your own hair you won't mind one variety of Muesli Bars for the kids
• leave the slovenly couch potato routine at home you will need all the energy you can muster for the Aldi Scanning Olympics.  And do NOT piss off the Check Out Operator, they will just smirk, then snarl and make you suffer
• unless you want bread that looks like it has been hit with a truck put it last on the conveyer at the check-outs  - otherwise you will end up at Bakers Delight buying more like I was yesterday

I won't say I am completely in love with Aldi.  But I will head back next week because after I saw the smile on Lord Koukou's face with the money we had saved well it made it all worthwhile (bucket anyone?).

As for me well I am off to swing a g-banger in the air, with a glass of wine in my hand and celebrate losing my Aldi virginity.

This is part of "Where's my Glow" http://www.wheresmyglow.com/

It's OK not to be OK..........wordless post of affirmation

Today I will treat everyone I meet with kindness and compassion. We are all connected, we are all fighting some kind of battle, and we are all deserving of love and understanding.

Extend a hand to a friend.....

Provide hope to a stranger.....

Smile at the grumpy shop assistant you don't know her story.......

Trust your instincts......

Remind yourself that you are enough........

Tell someone they are just awesome it could brighten a dark day 

Remind someone to stop and reflect......

Give someone the confidence to believe again.......

That grudge will weigh you down, learn forgiveness

Follow simple life rules.......

Appreciate the life you already have......

Parenting Style - Fairies, cotton candy & pink flying unicorns

I had a date yesterday with a girlfriend of mine I have known for years, for the sake of this post I will refer to her as Mrs H! If I could do a drive by at the Koukettes school to get them dropped faster then that's what I would do to get there.  I adore her to bits and we are polar opposites in most ways possible which leads to a fantastic debate.

• Mrs H is a gym freak and had skinny soy latte with banana bread, I am a slovenly couch potato who had the biggest slice of Devils's mudcake with whipped cream on the side and a full fat latte - hear that Mrs H FULL FAT!!
• she is anal when it comes to housework - serious contender for the Stepford Wives Club!  I on the other hand am a serious housewife fraud - if I can stuff it in a cupboard then that is what I will do
• I swear Mrs H is looking for a guest spot on Better Homes and Gardens she is a gifted green thumb - I am a murderer!  Do not ask me to Plant Sit you will come home to a guaranteed execution of plant proportion

One of our major differences is our style of parenting, she has been tapped with the wand of the Helicopter Parent - constantly swooping down on her children and protecting them from the first whiff of trouble. 

 I on the other hand usually watch from afar and then pick up the pieces when things have not quite gone to plan.  Why?  Because I like my children to understand the feeling of disappointment and I will not make excuses for them.

Yesterday Mrs H was telling me about an interview she had with her son's teacher, he is in Year 7.  He failed to hand in an assignment on time and was therefore given an F.  My reply amongst stuffing my face with mudcake 'fair enough then'.  Mrs H shook her head (serious defence bells ringing)  and went on to make excuses for why her son did not hand in the assignment.  Why are you defending him to me? I thought.  He had poor time management, was lazy and therefore failed - all made perfect sense why he received an F in my head.

I had an Aunty growing up who lived in a world of fairies, cotton candy and pink flying unicorns when it come to her children.  Everything was 'wonderful darling' and the 'girls are amazing!'.  Ah correction they were not wonderful and they were not amazing.....they needed the excuses to stop and those blinkers to come off.  I often wonder if perhaps things in there adult life may of been a little different if they were taken out of Fairy Tale Land and someone gave them a smack of reality.

So I have to ask - why are parents so afraid of their children feeling disappointment and failing?  Am I a bad parent for not protecting my children from feeling these emotions?  I do not by any means think I am the greatest gift to parenting - God knows I am not.  I just will not allow myself to make excuses for my children and will focus on finding a solution rather than making excuses for their behavior.  

Senior Koukette got into my car last week in tears after she was just berated by her Squad Coach.  On all accounts he does forget sometimes she is a 14 year old girl with hormones sometimes out of control, but last week he gave it to her both barrels.  Why?  Because she was not putting in 100% in training and was lazy.  He got her out of the pool, told her she was training like a donkey & get changed as she was wasting his time being there.  She understood where he was coming from and was disappointed in her efforts - we chatted about how she was feeling but I will not make an excuse because I also agree she has a lazy streak and sometimes needs a good kick up the bum.

Mrs H when I told her yesterday was mortified I left this situation at this, replying if that was her she would of been there on pool deck having a go back at the coach.  But why I thought?  She was lazy, Senior Koukette acknowledged this in herself and adjusted her training and attitude the next night.  I did not feel the need to have to step in.  Yes there probably was a better way her coach could of handled the situation than for her to be in tears but it had the desired result.  Her tears were more about the disappointment she had for her own efforts rather than anything her coach said.

I do not see my children failing or getting into trouble at school or swimming as a direct result of my parenting style.  I see it as a learning curve for them, it builds character and teaching them a life lesson - afterall not everything in this world is cotton candy and pink flying unicorns.  I hope it also teaches them that disappointment in themselves and failure at something can lead to success, you just need to pick yourself up, hold your head high and work that little bit harder.

Who knows if I am adopting the right approach time will tell on that one I guess.  There is no parenting manual to follow step by step, I can just continue to follow my gut, cross my fingers......... and eat lots more mudcake on the journey!

There is no way this will last.....

As much as I try to convince everyone in Koukou Palace I am the worldly type......I really don't know much about anything.  One thing I do know about me though is that I hate Mondays.  I have no idea why I detest them so much, I just roll with it.

Today though I am feeling strangely serene and calm.  There have been some things that could well of pushed me over the edge, like:-

• the 'Phantom Skidder' greeting me with their interpretation of Modern Art sprayed across the toilet bowl first thing this morning after I cleaned it last night- on a normal Monday I would instantly think to myself "what the fuck did you people eat yesterday?" but no not today, I just cleaned it again
• after dropping the Koukette's at school I noticed one of them left the hair straightener on again adding to their collection of burns on the bathroom sink.  Usually when they do this I get some kind of sick pleasure watching them continuously beg for it back after I have hidden it.  Today though I thought I should go to Bunnings, surely they have something that can cover all the melted ceramic
• Lord Koukou took my car to work today and left me his that had no petrol in it with the light coming on as soon as I started it - normallythis would force me to ring him straight away, abuse the crap out of him and then take my full fury out on the attendant at the petrol station for charging me $1.44 per litre.  But nope not today, I just went and put in petrol unbothered
• Senior Koukette closed her bedroom door and left the slum pit to continue festering - this would usually produce me to send her a text message at school telling her she is grounded until that feral room is clean.  Then I would make a cup of tea and contemplate ringing Dr Phil's people for advice because after all the high hopes I had for her all I was raising was a feral, lazy teenage slob.  Not today though, I opened her window, made her bed and gave it a light spray with some air freshner
• Junior Koukette gave my confidence and intelligence a battering by laughing at me when I told her I have no idea on my thoughts of the Big Bang Theory nor did I know who invented vegetariasm (is that even a word?) - my normal reaction in my head would be "oh smart ass - you are so much like your father!".  Today though I just said in a calm voice 'why don't you google it or better still introduce yourself to your library at school, I am sure you will find the answers there' and walked away
• reminding myself to ring the hairdresser and put my appointment back a week because I spent my hair money on getting Senior Koukette fitted out for her Bear Grills 9 day adventure - this would normally bring on all kinds of emotions which I won't write down because they could make my mood change quickly for the worse

Junior Koukette complimented me when I dropped them at school today and said 'how nice I was being for a Monday'.  I nodded and said 'I know lets all just enjoy the moment while it lasts"

I will continue to enjoy my happy little space in my head for a Monday.   I may pray later that whoever has come and taken over my body through the night enjoys the ride and decides to stay for a while.

Happy Monday everyone,

Sunday's with Pseudo-Suri

I suppose I should thank Lady Koukou for allowing me to Post every Sunday, but I just won't.  I find thankyou's quite challenging and a concept I am yet to grasp.  I am working through this with my therapist and hope to have this conquered by my 7th birthday.

As much as I could talk about me forever, I have been asked here to blog about the week that was and provide insight & commentry through my priveledged eyes:-

Beyonce in cheap and tacky R & B style sought to obtain as much publicity as possible to announce she is carrying child.  At first I was a little troubled with this news - afterall the child would have access to the best couture, an American Express Card to rival mine and be half beautiful - I was petrified!!  Often in situations like these I pray that it is a boy!

But then I saw this picture of Beyonce and JayZ and all my worries washed away.  I mean with THAT hair and his LIPS this baby could well be horrid.  Jay Z is already showing signs of Lazy Father Syndrome - it shows the traits of a person when they cannot tie up their own shoes.  I just hope the Nanny can hold it together,

My week took a turn for the worse on Wednesday when The Star Magazine reported this news.  I moped in the kitchen and ordered the chefs to prepare endless amounts of desserts loaded with calories and sugar.   Seeing magazine covers like this KILLS me - it breaks my heart that I will never be royal! I can only pray Kate Middleton never gives birth to a girl & the Press have it wrong again!

Never a week goes by without the troublesome member of the Rainbow Family at it again!  Uuuuggghhhhhh her  lack of style and sophistication completely unnerves me.  Shiloh was in Milan  and in a move to gain her mothers attention decided to wear shorts and borrow a t-shirt from Pax!   I am all for Angelina trying to help Shiloh find her place in that over populated family but this is really getting to much! 

While we are on the subject of the Rainbow Clan, can someone please remind Angelina that not every child requires adoption!!  This picture disturbs me more than those blue sunglasses "Usher's" love child is wearing.  What happens to some people when they become famous - he clearly needs to sack his stylist.  Plastic sunglasses and Armani?  Plllease!!

My protegee made her debut in New York this Week.  Harper is proving to be a great student, she is such a delight in 5 minute bursts and shows such poise and sophistication for her young age.  Being around her almost makes me want to order a sibling from Tom and Katie  (not really I was just saying that to be nice!)

Don't you agree Victoria is looking wonderful!  The Nanny's are doing a great job - she looks well rested and clearly that diet of seaweed, carrots and water is working.  My BFF Romeo tells me not eating is making her unpleasant to be around -  fashion can be a tough business & somtimes family members need to sacrifice happiness for Couture!  Victoria always realises that a photo moment is always an opportunity. 

Something Katie is yet to grasp!  Oh she is exhausting and never listens to me.  The media made a HUGE story about me being able to run in my heels......I have been running in heels since I was 2 that is nothing new!  Wouldn't you run as well if you were with Katie in THAT jumper?  She can be so 1970's Op Shop tragic.   I have tried so hard to educate her over the years.....and then she makes fashion choices like this.  Oh why do I bother?

I must be off time to get Katie dressed for the Fashion Shows ahead, my work is never done!

Til next week,

Now where is my tiara

P.S xx