I am an Aldi virgin no more!!

Don't you just love to wander up and down the aisles of Coles and Safeway?  In an attempt to create a relaxed atmosphere that will entice you to spend over your budget, a friendly security guard hands you a basket at the door while Classic 80's tunes play in store.  You are treated to small dreamy moments when you look in the trolley filled with products in pretty packaging.  Outstanding customer service greets you when you arrive at the cash registers and a delightful, polite young check out person always remembers to ask how your day is going with a smile and a genuine level of interest.  Knowing how time poor Mum's can be the good people at Coles have installed "DIY" registers,  where a middle aged lady with a monotone voice will guide you through the experience. 

Doesn't it make you wonder why I would leave all that blissful shopping behind for the likes of Aldi?  


Well for one we all know I am completely full of shit with the description above and secondly Lord Koukou is a natural born worrier.  Lately our shopping bill is slowly starting to outstrip our mortgage and has resulted in a lot of hallway pacing.   Lord Koukou's other weakness is that he is Greek, and anytime we cannot pay 'cash' he starts having anxiety attacks when I mention he might need to shake those cobwebs off his $2 shop wallet.  Being the ever thoughtful, caring wife I thought I can do something about this and said 'yes your right honey I will lower our bill so you don't have to worry' - I would never tell him I was really thinking 'fuck if I don't start reducing our grocery costs he will bring up the B for budgeting word again and then suggest I should think about my own home hair colours again' that is not happening!!


I had a discussion with my ultra snobby friend Mrs H about Aldi at coffee the other morning.  She said she would never allow her Volvo 4WD to be even seen in an Aldi carpark for fear she will be labelled a bogan (was I about to become Mayor of Boganville?) See she is of the private school 'puffer vest', Nike runner, Skins tights, blonde hair in a perfect pony tail variety. You must know the type -  they are usually the ones with screaming kids at cafe's because for some fucking unknown reason they think strapping their toddlers into a high chair with a baby-chino in front of them is entertaining.  


Got the image?........right lets move on.


One of my other friends is a converted Aldi shopper and said she has not looked at the majors since trying.  Her advice in Mrs W's unique style 'you can't just jump into a full shop at Aldi, you need to do it slowly and ease yourself into it, kind of like raising a child.  No one asks you to deal with a hormonal, pimple faced 14 year old before you get the chance to deal with sleep deprivation, ripped nipples and a vagina full of stitches do they'.  I have no idea how this relates to grocery shopping but god I love you Mrs Warren for the unique comparisons you always give me on every topic imaginable. 


Unlike Mrs H I really don't care if I my Hyundai is seen in the carpark.  So yesterday in my true Bogan style hit Aldi to do my weeks shopping.


Prancing through the front door thinking of all the items I could buy off my Ikea wish list with the packet I was about to save - I stopped and looked around.  The first thing to hit me is the size.  Its TINY!! In fact I counted 6 aisles - WTF Mrs Warren has set me up and is probably at home pissing herself laughing with a Coles brought Tim Tam in her hand thinking of me here.  


Now this is where it got slightly interesting - let me explain.  Everything at Aldi, except probably the Milo, Vegemite and Nutrigrain, will be a close clone of what you would buy at Coles or Woolworths.  TV Snacks are called Wacko's, Huggies Nappies are called Mamias and Red Rock Deli Chips are called Blackstone.  The main difference is the amount of variety - at Aldi there is one choice compared to the dozen varieties of the same thing at Coles or Safeway.  If you like 7 different brands of Muesli Bars to choose from you will be disappointed.


Because of lack of variety it was a really quick shop!   With all my new products in my trolley off to the cash registers I went.  Unless you have been a participant in the Aldi Checkout Olympics you have seriously not experienced life.  I learnt yesterday you have to be sharp, on your toes and fully prepared!  I also learnt yesterday that the Aldi check-out boy is not patient and you do not want to piss him off, or he will sigh, take a deep breath and move into 2nd gear.   You, the customer paying for his wage,  will really need to be ready to fling that shit double pace into your trolley.  


The reason Aldi can keep prices low is because you buy your own bags and then bag it yourself.  You will soon realise the Aldi checkout operator waits for no man.  From the moment your trolley is in position it is game on and you had better be ready!  As an Aldi virgin I made the mistake of trying to pack my bags as he scanned - WRONG move!  This guy was going for Gold, I was half expecting someone to blow a whistle and yell "GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! to the chubby operator on number 3".  It was his death stare and HUGE sigh that made me realise trying to pack as he was hurling cans at me was NOT going on.  So as any other shopper would do in my position I just started throwing the stuff in my trolley and sweating like a pig.


Here are my top tips for Aldi shopping:-

• It will save you money and if you are really lucky you can also pick up an Ab King Pro or Cubby House for the kids from the middle aisle
• be prepared for lack of choice, but if you have the occasional whinging bitch of a husband who will threaten you with having to colour your own hair you won't mind one variety of Muesli Bars for the kids
• leave the slovenly couch potato routine at home you will need all the energy you can muster for the Aldi Scanning Olympics.  And do NOT piss off the Check Out Operator, they will just smirk, then snarl and make you suffer
• unless you want bread that looks like it has been hit with a truck put it last on the conveyer at the check-outs  - otherwise you will end up at Bakers Delight buying more like I was yesterday

I won't say I am completely in love with Aldi.  But I will head back next week because after I saw the smile on Lord Koukou's face with the money we had saved well it made it all worthwhile (bucket anyone?).

As for me well I am off to swing a g-banger in the air, with a glass of wine in my hand and celebrate losing my Aldi virginity.

This is part of "Where's my Glow" http://www.wheresmyglow.com/